I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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