it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
