Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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