The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
What a fucking waste of an outfit
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
