he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
