it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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