he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
