I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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