Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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