At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
