Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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