I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
