You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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