The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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