she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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