the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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