My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
