he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Let's paint friendship bongs
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
