Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
