We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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