So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
