I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
