There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
