Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
