He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Randomize
