"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
