What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
