I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
