oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
