Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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