she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
