I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he shaved USA in his pubs
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I want a musical about memes.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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