She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Someone came in the potted fern
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
