god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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