We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
