Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
