my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
