i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
