how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
