if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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