aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
