I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
