is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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