ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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