I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
