tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
i need some magic done to my vagina
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
