Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Randomize
