he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
