We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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