It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
