I got chris browned last night
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
