I CAN MOONWALK!
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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